HIRING?  HOW TO AVOID BEING EVIL – AN EMPLOYER’S GUIDE


I promised Bustle that this next post would be about an amazing ravioli recipe I recently cooked.

I lied.

Don’t get me wrong, I will get to that scrumptious, easy to prepare dinner, but right now I’d like to talk about something else. Job searching. Below are my expert guidelines for employers. Please note all these examples are based on real-life experiences. Mine.

Vim’s Guidelines for Potential Employers that Don’t Want to be Evil

STEP 1

  • Post accurate job description. – YES!

  • Post misleading job description for a full-time Marketing Manager when you are really hiring people to sell Direct TV outside a Sam’s Club for commission. NO. THAT’S EVIL.

STEP 2

  • Review application and resume. – YES.

  • Disregard resume and send a lengthy questionnaire that you have no real intention of reading, just to see who will actually take the 2 hours to fill it out. NO. WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU?

STEP 3

  • Set up an initial phone screen. – SURE.

  • Ask them to take on on-line personality quiz. - I GUESS.

  • Ask them to fill out your company’s job application with all the information that’s already on their resume. - LAME, BUT I’LL ALLOW IT.

  • Set up an in-person interview that will cause the somewhat desperate job seeker to think you are really serious about hiring them, when in fact you are running a scam and don’t really care who you snare. YOU ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL.

STEP 4

  • Set up a second phone interview. - STILL FINE.

  • Send an email request with detailed, essay-level questions because you are too lazy to actually talk to a human. Bonus points if you follow up because you’re REALLY interested in them as a candidate, but reject them 22 hours after submission. IF KARMA IS REAL, YOU ARE COMING BACK AS AN UNSETTLING INSECT.

STEP 5

  • Review the candidate’s scrupulously prepared online portfolio to see samples of their work. YEP. THAT’S WHY ONLINE PORTFOLIOS EXIST.

  • Ask the candidate to complete a small assignment that takes about an hour. THIS HAS BECOME RELATIVELY STANDARD. IT’S ALSO ASKING FOR FREE WORK FROM SOMEONE YOU MAY NOT HIRE, AND IS, THEREFORE, A LITTLE BIT EVIL.

  • Ask the candidate to do a fairly involved piece of work that will take over an hour because you’re really farming ideas for your business by getting job seekers to do free work. ABANDON ALL HOPE (JUST LIKE THE JOB SEEKER WHO’S LIMITED TIME ON THIS MORTAL PLANE YOU JUST WASTED.)

STEP 6

  • Set up an in-person interview. - THAT’S NORMAL.

  • Set up an interview where you are immediately disappointed because the candidate with over 15 years of professional experience, is somehow not under 30. YOU ARE A MONSTER. A MONSTER THAT CAN’T DO MATH.

  • Set up a panel interview with multiple people that will take over 3 hours, cause the job seeker to spend upwards of $30 in parking because you don’t offer parking at your super-cool, downtown office, and then reject them in favor of the internal candidate you were always going to hire in the first place. THERE’S A SPECIAL PLACE IN HELL FOR YOU, AND YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PAY FOR PARKING FOR ALL ETERNITY.

I hope you’ve found these guidelines helpful! Stay reasonable, professional, and say, NOT TODAY, SATAN!

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